Self-Expression 32-Day Process: Days 28-31 - Hello, Love.

Today is Day 31 of my 32-Day Self-Expression Process.  The past four days have been the most amazing, loving, heartfelt, tender, intimate combination of experiences, connections, and conversations I have ever had. In this 32-day process I have been on a quest to express myself, both inwardly and outwardly.  But what happened in the process is I experienced love.  True, deep, unconditional, heart-expanding, belly-warming, fuzzy to my toes, Love.

People talk about love and sing about love and write about love and profess their love.  I never knew what that means until yesterday, when I had the opportunity to experience the most heart-opening conversation and connection with someone that I have ever had.  I learned that love is not what I thought.  Love is it's very own powerful force that resides inside me.  Love doesn't hold or need.  Love doesn't try or tighten or look for or answer.  Love doesn't mean wanting and needing or demanding.  Love doesn't have to do anything or ask of anything.  Love isn't an expectation of someone or a request.  Love isn't balloons or flowers or candy.  Love isn't expensive diamonds or fancy clothes.

Yesterday, I sat in my friend's living room.  In his presence, I fully experienced myself.  I felt my own love for myself in every inch of my body and soul.  It started in my heart and trickled through to everywhere else.  And then I turned my attention to him and looked deep into his eyes and felt my heart fill and my belly grow warm.  The room dropped away and we were there, as two souls, wanting nothing from one another.  Wanting nothing other than to experience and reside in the love.  In that moment as my heart widened and my love reached right through my soul and into his, Love became clear to me.

Love is holding a moment with someone.  Love is being.  Love is allowing and letting and accepting and feeling and expressing and asking for nothing in return.  Love doesn't need a definition or description or box.  Love is beyond any form of measure or reason or explanation.  Love pours from my soul and overflows my own cup.  Love runs through me like a river, with force and power yet without a destination.  Love is everywhere.  Love is in you and in me and in my beautiful friend sitting across from me and looking deep into my soul.  Love is expansive and beautiful and fulfilling.  Love is without boundary or worry or fear.  Love is the most beautiful experience I have ever had.

Tomorrow is my last day of this process and also the last day of 2012.  I embrace both the end and the beginning with wide arms, a wide heart, and a love force beyond anything I could have ever imagined. My heart sings with joy as my soul dances to this new rhythm of what I have created as my reality.

Love is my most authentic expression.

Self-Expression 32-Day Process: Days 15-27 - Happy Soul

Days 15-27.

It's been just under two weeks since my last updated blog - and today marks the 27th day of my 32-Day Self-Expression process.  My original intention in this process was to connect with myself on a deeper and more authentic level, acknowledging and expressing my TRUE feelings to myself.  As a result of that, my intention was to then express my feelings, thoughts, opinions to other people.  My intention was to allow myself the freedom to be myself.  And what I have learned in the last 27 days goes much deeper than that. What's happened in 27 days is my soul has peeked through the clouds of my Ego and shined so bright that the clouds burned away.  After 27 days I am visible, vulnerable, raw, open, authentic, beautiful, and feel like the free-spirited, excited, honest, loving, spunky, cute and creative soul that I am.  I haven't been tracking this progress daily because in all honesty, so much was happening every day that it was a challenge to remember to stop and write it all down.  So to sum it all up, I will do a 13 day catch up below and pull out the most amazing parts of the past two weeks.  Moving forward for the last few days of this process, my intention is to blog daily as a way to fully anchor in what's happening for me right now, because it's just too beautiful not to.

In the past 13 days I have...

Participated in 2 naked photo shoots, one being the most vulnerable experience of my life.  I took on a new client, dropped an old client, screamed into the ocean, ran 7 miles (for the first time), went skinny dipping in a pool with a cave, met a new friend, grew closer to another friend, connected with my sister in the most beautiful way, gave my inner child a voice (she LOVES the color pink and eating soup!), and I forgave myself through an hour of tears and chanting.  I chanted to Ganesha for 27 days, learned that I don't need to have sex in order to connect, accepted my authentic self as who I really am, challenged myself socially, challenged myself physically, stayed out until 3:30am with two of the most fun people I have ever met, introduced my friend to yoga, experienced the most magical Kirtan of my life, danced, clapped, sang when no one was watching and when everyone was watching.  I showed naked photos of myself at a party, had too many glasses of wine, went for a trail run (one of my firsts!), went on a hike, fell down and got muddy, and got up again.  I looked at myself in the mirror and felt the swell of my heart as I realized how much I love myself.  I prayed, slept, cooked until my hands were tired, listened, spoke, loved, and connected so deeply with someone that I never knew that sort of connection existed.  I laughed until my sides hurt, cried until my head hurt, and loved myself through both.  I said yes, said no, and learned that all of these things I have been doing I wouldn't trade for anything in the world.  Because after so long, I am finally LIVING.  I'm not just going through the motions of life - but actually taking a moment to experience and BREATHE IN every moment no matter how uncomfortable or exciting or exhausting it may be.

It's been an amazing two weeks and an even more amazing process to do with myself, especially during the last month of 2012.  I am growing, learning, and deepening my love for myself every day and my intention is to keep on going and loving and learning even after the process.  I feel like I gave myself a jumpstart and now after years and years, I am so ready to go.

Lots of love to anyone reading this and who has been supporting and encouraging me.  It's been the best few weeks of my life.

Self-Expression 32-Day Process: Day 14 - I'm Too Sexy for My Ego

Day 14.  I made it two weeks.  And each day has been completely different from the last and the next.  My ego is falling away more and more every day as I step into my authenticity.  It isn't that I despise my ego or think that my ego is the enemy - and in fact it's quite the opposite.  By embracing my ego and loving it for all the ways it has served me in the past, I'm allowing it to have less of a "hold" on me.  I'm just not listening to the bullshit anymore - or the stories or the limiting beliefs.  Instead I'm co-creating my own new reality and making the decision, every single day, to live it.  No, this isn't always easy and a lot of these past 14 days have been spent with me feeling pissed, angry, sad, lonely, disappointed, discouraged, challenged, and vulnerable to points that I didn't think I was capable of surviving.  But I'm doing it.  Every single day I am choosing, again, to do it.

Tonight, I saw my sexy side.  I got in front of a camera, naked - and for three hours allowed myself to be photographed.  With my naked body fully visibile - and not to mention my hard nipples.  And I just owned it.  I owned every part of my naked body - even the areas that until tonight, were even hard for me to look at.  I saw myself as a sexual, excited woman - and not as a scared, shy little girl.  And I realized in all of that - that I am way too sexy to keep letting my ego run the show.  I am too sexy for my ego.

I will post a full description of the nude shoot tomorrow - and add one of the less naughty photos.

Tomorrow is another day - and the process continues.

Self-Expression 32-Day Process: Day 13 - My Heart is Enough

13 days in and my life is changing, officially.  It isn't that my external reality is shifting much in the sense that my life doesn't really look any different physically - but the way it feels and the way I am experiencing things is quickly changing.

As this process continues and as I parallel it with my mantra experiment, things are literally just stripping down one layer at a time.  Things in my life that I told myself I would just "tend to later" are coming up to the line with full force, almost begging to be handled.  And handled right NOW.  Even the little secrets that I have kept inside and knew were safe are finding their way forward and exposing the bigger picture to me.  It feels like a popcorn popper.  For a while the kernels are just kernels and then slowly and one at a time, the kernels pop and out comes a piece of popcorn.  But then it becomes quicker and quicker and then all of a sudden there are lots and lots of pieces of popcorn coming forward until ALL of the kernels are popped.  That's what these bubbling awarenesses feel like.  It's like I started the process of making popcorn and even if I think I've popped enough - the process is going to come to completion whether I want it to or not.  Even (seemingly) little things like a crush, are becoming things that need to be worked out.  Because really, every little thing coming forward is representing something much, much larger.

I guess what was the most inspiring truth to come forward for me today is that my heart is enough.  Instead of backing away from my heart and putting my hands up to protect myself, I am embracing it.  Instead of turning and running from what my heart is showing and telling me, I am reaching out and wrapping my arms around it and allowing it to be one with me.  It's like my soul and my heart are coming to some form of agreement - and my mind is beginning to understand.  My heart is enough.  I don't need to change anything or be someone else or be prettier or skinnier or sexier or younger or more spiritual or fancier or even have a different haircut.  What REALLY matters is the beauty of what's INSIDE my heart.  My loving, giving, nurturing, beautiful, kind, free-spirited and HAPPY soul.  My heart that wants to love and give and receive and be of service.  My heart who wants to share gratitude and love and kind words without feeling ashamed of exposing my true feelings.  My heart is enough, just as it is.  I am enough.  I am enough, just as I am.

Self-Expression 32-Day Process: Days 9-12 - Asking for What I Need

Well, it has been a few days since I have blogged, yet my 32-day process is still moving along quite nicely.  I'm not sure if it's this particular process that has been so intense for me, or this combined with it being the last month of the year, mixed in with my 31-day Ganesha mantra experiment.  But in the past 10 days it seems like my life has shifted and moved and shifted again on so many different levels.  These past four days in particular have felt like a non-stop growing event!  I can feel something shifting deep inside as I work through one thing and another - and as I allow more and more memories to surface and feelings to come up and out.  It's like I got tired of saying what I wanted or what I was someday going to do, and started just LIVING it.  Overnight.

I realized at lunch yesterday with a friend, that I created a life over the past four months that FULLY supports my learning process.  From my business to my friends, to the things I am doing, people I am relating to, people I am attracting, etc.  I have created such a safe little bubble for myself in which I feel eager and willing to grow and learn - and safe in fully expressing who I am and letting my authenticity OUT.  This process is all about self-expression and I think I am not beginning to understand what that really means to me.  It means allowing MYSELF to be MYSELF in front of other people, and on my own.  It means saying what I think and holding true to my own beliefs and opinions.  It means doing a naked photo shoot if I want to and not feeling ashamed or guilty.  It's about having a glass of wine (or 3) if I want to and allowing it to be okay!  It means flirting with a hot man or sharing my feelings with a close friend or requesting something from someone close to me.  It means not answering the phone if I don't feel like talking and watching a movie or taking a nap at 2 in the afternoon if that's what's going to serve me best.  It means talking openly about my sexual needs, emotional needs, and spirituality - and being OK with MYSELF.  It means dropping the bullshit and the limiting beliefs and FULLY living the way I want to live.  Because I am me, and that isn't going to change and pretending to be someone else didn't work - and it was a disservice to my soul.  Expressing myself means opening the curtain and allowing my soul to see, feel, and experience all that beautiful light.

And in all this, I can ask for what I need.  Yesterday I needed to talk to a friend of mine so I made a request and we talked.  Just like that.  I shared what was on my mind, and I shared my feelings and you know what?  He listened, he responded, and he supported the fact that I was sharing what was true for me.  I showed up for myself and in return, he showed up for me as well.  And I felt loved and heard and valued - and I felt like an equal.  In all of this I am learning how to be ME.  And how I can love myself and put it all together as I awaken to and step into this next amazing phase of my life with COMPASSION for who I am and why I am here.

Self-Expression 32-Day Process: Day 8 - VULNERABILITY

Today is Day 8 of my 32-Day process.  And I felt like posting something daring tonight.  Because courage IS a part of my self-expression and so is vulnerability.  And you know what?  I am pretty proud of myself as well because I have been working my butt off!

For the past three and a half months, I have been working with a personal trainer and exercising for the first time in my life.  My goal was/is to get into the best shape of my life before I am 30 - or at least start the process.  So as an expression of my VULNERABILITY, here are the pics.  The top one I took in August and is the "before" photo.  The botom photo was taken last week and is the "3 month" photo.  I am committing to at least a 6-month training program - so I suppose this would be the halfway photo.

I'm forgiving myself for judging myself as shameful for posting these!  The truth IS... I am proud of myself!

Self-Expression 32-Day Process: Day 7 - Cleaning Up

Today is Day 7.  For 7 days I have kept my commitment with expressing myself.  Sometimes it has been to others, but mostly it has been expressing myself, to myself.  Tonight was a night where I decided to focus my attention inward, and take a look at what I have been avoiding.  Tonight this manifested in the physical form.

I realized after I ate dinner tonight that I never liked how my living room was arranged, so I decided to change everything.  What had been "stopping" me before was the TV and all the wires and cables.  I told myself I didn't know how to do it - as that was something my ex handled.  But I was determined to do it and to do it myself and so I began moving furniture and unplugging wires and cleaning things out and burning sage and incense and lighting candles and going through drawers and cleansing and purging and so on.  And as it turns out, I was MORE than capable of unplugging all the wires, moving the TV, and then plugging all the wires back in, in the correct places.  I even moved the furniture by myself - maybe not at the fastest pace, but I still did it.

And then I moved on to my bedroom and closet and hall closet and backyard - cleansing and releasing and throwing things out and cleaning.  It came to my realization that I had been avoiding doing all of this sorting and cleaning.  Parts of me really didn't want to let go of my old relationship or old patterns or old beliefs.  I wanted to hold on so I had a "reason" to be "overwhelmed" with all the things that I constantly reminded myself that I wanted to do, but just never actually did them.  So tonight, I did them.

Since I was 18, I have carried a small (18 inches by 18 inches) plastic box with me every single time I have moved.  In fact, this box is the only thing that I have consistently brought with me to every single apartment, city, etc.  And in this box I have kept photos, cards, letters, etc.  And I never really considered why I was holding onto these things and every time I took a moment to open the box and go through everything, I felt sad.  Tonight I decided to go through the box and the same wave of sadness came over me - so I stopped, paused, took a deep breath - and realized that instead of holding onto these things because they were adding to my happiness, I was holding onto them because they added to my sadness.  Let me tell you, it felt so GOOD to go through that box and throw out everything that didn't put a smile on my face.  Yes, everything.

What I am learning in this process is that self-expression is something that I have been hiding for a very long time.  From myself and from others.  And in this process of self-expression, it's like I have to go back a little and take the time to devote attention (i.e. cleaning out that box) to the things and areas in my life that I have ignored.  I need to "clean up" in a sense.  It's like I needed to clear certain areas of my life that I had been avoiding in order to really allow myself the space to fully move forward, move into, awaken to all of these new found parts of myself.  And after 7 days of "cleaning out and cleaning up" - I feel ready to keep on going and see what else this process has to offer.  So far, it has been nothing shy of completely amazing.

Self-Expression 32-Day Process: Day 6 - Pieces of Me

Today is Day 6.

If I could go back in time and love all the parts of me, I would kiss my cheeks and my nose and my chin.  I would stroke my hair and brush it gently, taking the time to feel how soft and satiny it feels.  I would kiss all of my cuts and bruises and even my scars simply because they are also a part of me.  I would hold my hand and pull myself into my lap and wrap my loving arms so tightly around myself that I would have no other way to feel except loved.  I would rock myself back and forth and whisper "I love you" into my ear and hold myself close until I fell fast asleep.  I would play in the fields and meadows and flowers and run with the sun glistening in my hair as I held hands with my younger self.  I would take time to listen and love and dance and sing and acknowledge and love.  I would make sure that every part of me felt safe, loved, worthy, and alive.  I would see and experience myself as the beautiful soul that I am.

And since I am no longer 2 years old or 8 or 11 or 16 or 19 or 21 or 23 or 25 or 27 or 28, the part of myself that I can focus on loving is the part of me that is right here, right now.  The 29-year-old me who wants and needs love and affection and support and acknowledgement just as much as the smaller parts of me.  I can't go back in time and do all of those things over, but surely I can send love and light back to myself at various ages and then set an intention to make a different choice in how I relate to myself in moving forward.  I can slow down a little more each day to really SEE myself as I grow and learn and navigate through this life as a soul who is lovingly determined to love myself, inside and out, upside and down.  Maybe it'll be a miracle when I can look back on this - or maybe it's just a miracle that I am awakening to this now instead of in 40 years because now I have that much more time to love myself.

Today was a fascinating day of elation, awareness, anger, disappointment, courage, fear, love, devotion, opening, expanding, letting go, releasing, vulnerability, and the ever-present reminder to BE PRESENT.  Today something shifted.  Tomorrow it might shift back or forward or to the left or the right.  But that won't take away the fact that today it shifted just enough for me to see the faint hint of light underneath it that reminded me I am moving in the aligned direction of the path that is unfolding as my journey.

Tonight, I am happy and confident to say that I am lucky enough to fall asleep in my own arms.  My own loving, gentle, sweet, caring arms.

Self-Expression 32-Day Process: Day 5 - Surrendering

Today is Day 5 of my 32-Day process.  I don't have the energy to be so eloquent or creative so I am just going to say it as it is.  Today was one of those days where I threw my hands in the air at 5pm, sat down on my kitchen floor and cried, not even bothering to get up and get a tissue.  Everything that isn't working in my life or needs attention or needs communication all came barreling together at once and my limits were reached.  I felt like I was being swallowed whole by my own manifestation of healing opportunities.  So, because I don't believe in making myself a victim to outer things, circumstances, or people, I instead made myself the "victim" to my own choices - and I just let myself be in that and cry and fall apart and then look around to realize that I wasn't falling apart at all.  In fact, what's happening is just the opposite.  It appears that in all of this, I am actually growing.

And then, as it usually does, the bare bones truth hit me.  For the past 29 years, I have done things to make other people happy.  I have held off on sharing things, held off on being honest, held off on changing things or being too loud or too creative or too thin or too cute or too happy or too sad - all because of OTHER PEOPLE.  What will they think, do, say, say about me to other people?  What if they see I am not perfect?  What if someone knew that at 5pm on a Monday I was a crying, hot mess on the kitchen floor with snot on my shirt and tears on my face,  holding a red spatula?  What if my secret wasn't safe anymore and others knew that I am human?  Better yet, what if I admitted to myself that I'm not perfect?  What if I allowed myself to see who I really am, deep inside behind all the fear and under all the feelings of unworthiness?  What if I actually saw myself as my soul is? Then what?

I'm done existing for the sake of other people.  Yes, I love people, especially those few who are close to my heart.  I love to see other people smile and laugh and feel good and be happy.  But I also need to remember that this experience I am having in THIS life IS mine.  That's a fact.  I won't ever get this opportunity again.  I will never be able to look back in time and say: "Oh, I will just go back and re-do that moment at 4:49pm on Monday, December 3, 2012."  That isn't going to happen.  So I might as well get real with MYSELF and start existing in what is TRUE and REAL for ME.  I am worthy of that and truthfully, pretending to be anything other than myself is getting downright exhausting.  I am willing to surrender to this moment or the next one or the one after that and surrender to whatever wave is going to flow through me because whether I want it to or not, it's happening - or going to happen.  How I show up is all that I am really "in control" of here.  And I am ready to throw my hands in the air and allow it all to just be what it is.  I have officially hit a wall in all of the areas of my life that aren't working anymore.  Anything that hasn't felt in alignment or wasn't ever in alignment or isn't ever going to be in alignment are all falling away.  Yes, parts of that feel sad for me - and parts of it feel liberating. Maybe there are relationships that just aren't going to serve me - and maybe there is a deepening of relationships that are coming as a surprise.  But nonetheless, even through all of that, my relationship with myself is first.  What do I like?  What do I want?  How do I feel?  Maybe it's selfish or self-involved or narcissistic or whatever you want to call it, but I'm okay with that.  I'm okay with looking back on my life and seeing that I honored myself and my feelings, no matter what someone else said or thought, or how they reacted.  I can go through this life with a filter over my eyes, heart and soul - or I can drop the veil and get used to the fact that life is going by every single moment and what I make of it is what defines my experience. There are no mistakes or victims or do-overs.  There is no such thing as lost time.  There's just an opportunity to either make one choice or to make another. Life keeps on going regardless.

As Oscar Wilde Says: "Be yourself.  Everyone else is already taken."

So there it is.  Day 5.  27 to go.  Let's do this.

Self-Expression 32-Day process: Day 4 - Letting it Be

Today marked Day 4 of my 32-day self-expression 32-day process.  I went to yoga, as I usually do on Sunday mornings, but I felt off and didn't want to go.  I used to "give into" the desire to skip yoga when I didn't feel like going, but lately I have been noticing that those are usually the days when I could benefit from going the most.  So I went anyway and as soon as I got on my mat, I started to cry.  And I cried in Warrior I and II and I cried in down dog and I cried in plank and I especially cried when, in child's pose, my yoga instructor came over and put her warm and loving hands on my lower back.  I cried and chanted and stretched and covered my yoga mat in tears.  And instead of fighting it and telling myself to stop or thinking of reasons why it wasn't ok - I just let it be.  I let myself be in the room and in the moment and in the feelings, even as the sweat dripped off me and my mind fought to be anywhere but where I was - I just allowed myself to be.  And after a little while, I realized there wasn't anywhere else I wanted to be except there in that exact moment in that exact room with those beautiful kirtan chants flowing in and out of my heart as I inhaled and exhaled and cried. I let myself cry in the beauty of what I have created as my sanctuary.  I let myself just be me in the moment when I needed it the most.  For the first time in yoga, I listened to what my body needed and when I finally surrendered and listened, it was the most beautiful and refreshing release.  After Shavasana, I wiped the sweat and tears off my mat and felt proud of myself for allowing all of that to come forward and be released.

Today, I feel like a met a new part of myself.  I met the emotions of the little girl inside who didn't have the space to express herself when she was very little.  I met the teenage part of myself that never felt like she fit in and felt lonely and isolated.  I met the 20-something part of me that tried so hard to be anyone other than herself.  And I met the 29-year-old present version of myself who just wants to love all of the parts of myself, no matter how much I may have judged myself in the past.  Today I just decided to let the past be the past and decided to let it all be as I loved myself anyway.

32-Day Process: Day 3 - Loving Myself Anyway

Today was Day 3 of my 32-Day Self-Expression Process.  And today I feel like I went face to face with some of the deepest frustration I have felt.  Ever. I had opportunity after opportunity to say what I was FEELING.  To actually put words and a voice behind my feelings and allow myself to experience full expression.  And instead of utilizing the opportunities, I allowed myself to keep my voice hidden - and continued to allow myself to be a "victim" to my own self-destructive and limiting choices.

So I did what anyone else would do.  I got in my car, made sure no one was around, and screamed as loud as I could.  Not once.  Three times.  I heard my voice loud and clear, and likely my neighbors did as well.  But it helped because even if was just for 5 or 10 seconds, my voice was able to just do what it wants to do, which is be HEARD.  What I want, above and beyond anything else right now is to just be willing and able to say what it is that is on my mind.  It sounds so simple and yet, for me, it isn't.  For me, it's the most terrifying and risky thing I can think of doing.  In fact, I once said that I would rather jump out of an airplane than say what I was really feeling.  And you know what?  I actually did it.

So in lieu of transition and change and this being the last month of the year - and in lieu of the mantra experiment I started today, I am setting my intention right now about what I am releasing, and what I am intending to step into.  I thought that it might be too vulnerable to actually write this stuff on a BLOG - but then I decided that if I am not going to speak my truth today, I may as well write it, share it, and allow anyone to see it.

I always wanted to be that girl who could just say anything, with grace, ease, confidence, and humbleness.  I always wanted to feel worthy of the things I was feeling and to share them because I truly believed I was important enough to.  I wanted to share who I was with the world instead of keeping myself all locked up inside and fearful and hidden.  I wanted to be accepted and loved but more than that I wanted to love and accept myself enough that it didn't matter what I did or didn't do - because I would deeply feel that I was worthy one way or the other.  I always wanted to be that girl who could stand in front of a man and say "I like you" or "I have feelings for you" or "I'm attracted to you" and be brave enough to withstand what he might say in return. But I never did. I wanted to feel adequate, equal, and just as beautiful and sexy as any other woman - but for so many years, I just didn't.   And then I thought that if I did enough work on my body, got skinny enough or cute enough or something enough, that I would suddenly feel worthy and everything would fall into place.  But it really just didn't seem to work out that way.

My intention is to share what I feel, no matter how much my voice shakes or how hard and fast my heart beats or how scared I am of what someone may say in return.  No matter how much I want to avoid sharing my feelings and truth with those in my life, my intention is to do it anyway - and to do it with confidence as much as I can.  My intention is to release any limiting beliefs about myself and why I am not "worthy" of sharing how I feel.  My intention is to share a part of myself every single day - until it becomes comfortable.  So maybe the "obstacle" that Ganesha can help me remove is the (mis)belief I have that I am not worthy of experiencing, feeling, or authentically sharing my feelings, thoughts, and truly deep parts of myself.  Because really, the only obstacle in my way right now is my Ego.

And so for the next 30-something days I am going to chant my little heart out as I bravely take a new forward step each day as I release what's no longer serving a greater purpose in my life and awaken more fully to what has been here waiting for me all along.  Because I am worthy of that.  Even if I have to say it 65 million times a day until I feel it or believe it - I am worthy.  I really am.  And it's ok for me to say that here, on a blog, where someone may actually read it.

The pic I posted above is one that I took on midnight of my 28th birthday.  It was one of the most challenging times in my life.  I felt lost, alone, scared - and had just moved back to Los Angeles after moving to New York.  I felt like I had nothing left of myself to give and didn't know which way to go. And as I look at that picture now, 18 months later, all I can see is beauty and all I can feel is compassion.  And for me, that is a big first step towards my new motto, which is - loving myself anyway.  Because despite whatever was going on for me at that time in my life, I am able to see past all of it and look into my beautiful blue eyes and feel the deepest level of love.  So I know it's all there inside me just waiting to come out.  And even though it isn't happening today, it doesn't mean that it won't ever happen and in the meantime, I can love myself anyway.

Authentic Self-Expression 32-Day Process: Day 2

Today was the second day of my 32-day process of exploring and expressing my self-expression, feelings, and whatever else that means.  Last night I had the honor of reading some of the most beautiful writing that both impressed, inspired, and touched me deeply.  I felt a tug at my heart as I read the eloquent and vulnerable self-expression of someone else, because it was in that where I could see a beautiful reflection of my own self-expression.  Meaning - if I could see and feel such a beautiful energy in his writing, it means that I can see and feel that same beauty somewhere inside myself as well.  For some reason, I made a decision to hide that beauty, many years ago - and this 32-day process is an opportunity for me to re-awaken to who I am.  And it came to my realization that I am the only person standing in my way of really just allowing myself to BE myself - and learning what that means.  And letting go of any obstacles that I put in my own way (i.e. my EGO).

This morning, I woke up feeling giddy with the idea that I had a whole day in front of me to really allow my expression to come out and play.  And today while I was with a client, I really allowed myself to be vulnerable and open up and each word that came out of my mouth was one that I really meant and wanted to say.  I took moments and paused when I wasn't sure what to say.  Instead of saying what I thought I should say (as I did in the past), I experimented with taking a minute to center myself and then when I did speak, I felt a connection between my mind and my soul.  My words felt aligned with what I was REALLY feeling.  How cool!

And then tonight, I went to a party and on the drive over, I wondered what it would feel like to just be my open, bubbly, happy, excited, energetic, sexual, funny, fun and loving SELF.  For the first time in a while I just didn't "care" what anyone thought of me and allowed myself to "come out of my shell" and you know what?  It was an amazing and LIBERATING experience for me!  It felt so GOOD to open myself up to the vulnerability of authentic connection, both with myself and others.  I really feel my deep commitment to this process and am excited for the next 30 days!

And as an added bonus to move towards the release of 2012 and the embrace of 2013, tomorrow I am beginning a 31-day mantra experiment - with the intention of releasing any obstacles that I am putting in my own way.  What I do know, is this experience can only add positivity to my journey into exploring and expressing myself.

Authentic Self-Expression 32-Day Process: DAY 1

Today, the rain came.  And with the rain came my tears that I have felt inside for months but that I haven't allowed to fully surface.  When I first set my intention for this 32-day process, I was focussing more on expressing my emotions to others, in the form of words - as a way to feel heard.  But today, when the opportunity presented itself for me to share my emotions with someone whom I feel relatively close to, I didn't feel called. I walked away from the situation feeling lost, unfulfilled, confused, and like I had let myself down by not fully expressing myself.  I then realized that in order to fully experience my emotions in the presence of someone else - to fully share and allow myself to be as vulnerable as I can be, I must first start with myself. I realized how eager I am to connect and share with others, but how dismissive (in the past) I have been when it comes to connecting with MYSELF. I realized I had been wanting to skip a crucial step in this process - which is the step that begins with ME.  

I recently shared with a friend that I wasn't sure I felt safe enough to express and experience my emotions by myself.  My fear was that if I allowed myself to actually FEEL how I was feeling that it would be so painful and scary that I wouldn't be able to "come out of it" if I wanted to.  I was afraid that without the comfort of others around me, I might get lost in what felt like the deep, dark hole of sadness.  So I reminded myself that I was (am) safe, put on a song that really sings to my heart, and allowed myself to feel that deep, dark pit that has been aching in my stomach for months.  I allowed myself to just let myself cry and experienced what it's like to hold myself while I let it all out.  And so today, on Day 1, I learned that I can trust myself.  I can just be with myself as I feel all of these things - and love myself anyway.  I learned that the tears and feelings can even add to my beauty if I reframe it and allow that to be the truth.  And for me, expressing my emotions is taking me one step closer to my own truth.  And my own truth is self-love.