August Montage.

In an effort to actually blog about the past month, I have decided to put a different spin on things and create a montage of events rather than just going through everything. That would be pretty boring. It's my first shot at this and it would be much cooler if it was small clips of everything, like they do in movies, but since I'm not an editor, this is all I got...

In the past month I...

Flew from LA to NY, spend a rainy week in NJ where my (almost)entire family was on the east coast for the first time in ten years, flew from NY to Denver on one of the bumpiest and scariest flights of my life, flew from Denver to Vail in the smallest plane ever and experiencing the worst turbulence of my entire life, prayed for 25 straight minutes on the smallest plane ever, experienced all that Vail has to offer including beautiful sights and 3 days of altitude sickness, explored Vail with two rowdy little girls, learned just how hard it is to clean up 3 cans of silly string off hardwood floors, ate french fries for dinner 5 nights in a row, drove from Vail to Denver with 4 people (2 being kids) and 9 suitcases, ate McDonalds french fries in the Denver airport, flew from Denver to LA with two kids, ate an entire package of chocolate on the two hour flight from Denver to LA, experienced the worst ear pain of my life, lost three pounds, slept a total of 8 hours in 4 days, learned how to french braid hair, learned how to bake a multi-level multi-colored Kosher/Organic birthday cake from scratch, did 345 loads of laundry, read exactly 6 pages of my new book, slept for 14 hours straight one weekend, tried to fight a Paparazzi, got soaking wet in a dirty fountain, carried a sleeping kid from the dinner table to bed approximately three times in one week, spent an entire weekend with 4 kids at an Oxnard beach house, listened to massive amounts of Bon Iver, drank fresh squeezed juice in Malibu with one of my favorite people, saw an amazing movie with my amazing boyfriend, cried exactly once, laughed more times than I can count, saw all of my friends graduate from USM, hugged more people than I can count, got yelled at by three different women at a Kosher market, learned how to make pumpkin chocolate chip bread, swam exactly once, lived off avocado and hummus for 6 days in a row, said goodbye to my childhood house, saw/experienced hail for the first time in years, got free food on a Virgin America flight because it was the 7th time I had been on a flight with one particular flight attendant, listened to Tom Petty (and fell in love), committed to going to Hawaii, got a raise, got a new bag that I love, said "I love you" at least 50 times, ate the best tortilla soup ever, watched a few good movies, watched a few bad movies, watched the entire first and second seasons of Gossip Girl, burned more incense than I can count, and decided I want to live in Topanga.

Goodbye August, it's been real. Hello September, let's do this thing!

Map of My Heart.

I looked on my list of things to do earlier today, and saw that "update blog" still had not been checked off. I remember back in July I made a personal commitment to write every single day. And I did - for a week or so, and then things got so busy (and I got so tired) that it became less and less important... or at least that's how it seemed. The past month has been a whirlwind of traveling, experiences (some really great and others not so great), lots of highs and lows, and a lot of learning - and I will post about it later. Right now I feel like posting from my heart and everything else can wait.

In six weeks I begin my second year at USM. Those of you who know me, know what this is and what it means. I have been nervous about the workload (the physical and the emotional) and have spent much of the past month wondering how I would make it all work, with my 120-hour work week schedule. I kept telling myself that it would just work out - because I would make it work. And for anyone who has been reading my blog, you all might know that I currently work as a VERY full-time live-in nanny for two amazing munchkins who I have written a lot about on here. Last I posted, we were smack in the middle of a 36-day movie shoot (in which my boss was absent for 95% of that time period) and I was running the household, so to speak. Since then, the movie has wrapped, and about a hundred changes have occurred. Last night my boss and I sat down to talk about such changes, and the verdict is that I am (as of November) going to become a "normal" nanny, meaning my hours will switch to around 45 a week and I will live-out. In other words, I will have a life again.

Now, all of these changes are positive and amazing and great for everyone involved, especially the kiddos. My boss is going to be getting (re)married here shortly and they will be hiring a full-time live-in housekeeper to handle the brunt of everything. My job will be to focus on the kids only (which is what I was originally hired for) and allow me the space to reintegrate back into the life of a 28-year-old, whatever that means.

Adam is beyond thrilled (he gets to have an actual girlfriend now - one who you know, comes home) and can't understand why I am not happier. He pointed out to me that this is everything I have been wanting and asking the universe for nonstop for the past 4 months - and now I have it and I am not jumping up and down. I thought about it and realized I am happy but have mixed feelings - and thus begins the part where I share from my heart.

Truthfully, I have a lot of things coming up for me around the job change. For the past year and a half, it feels like I have been finding every excuse and/or reason in the book to not have to focus on myself. After I finished my first year at USM (over a year ago) I was very focussed on myself and felt connected to my authentic self, excited for my goals and ready to make my dreams happen. And then I moved to NJ and my foundation got shaken so hard that I went straight into survival mode and have stayed there since. I remember about 4 months ago when I was about to get hired for this job, I thought that a live-in job was perfect because 99% of my awake hours would be spent focussing on someone else. It gave me a reason to put all of my needs aside, including my writing, going to yoga, seeing friends, sleeping/eating at "reasonable" hours, etc. I was essentially going to live someone else's life and it seemed perfect - I could hide behind my job and deal with myself later. And as much as I like inner work and growth as much as the next aware and spiritual person, I can't seem to figure out how to get out of "surviving" and move into actual "living."

I currently spend so much of my time caring for others, that at the end of the day I am finding it challenging to feel out what I actually need. Most nights when I am at work (like tonight) I forget to eat dinner and am so tired by 8pm that I am in bed watching netflix and dreaming of all the things I would do if I worked normal hours and had flexibility at night. And now that I am about to have it, I am shaking in my boots because I have no idea what in the world building my own life looks like. I have an apartment and a boyfriend in it, a relationship, lots of hobbies and interests, goals, friends, and a stack of bills that needs my attention. I feel like I haven't meditated in months or sat down long enough to have an entire meal without getting up 1634 times to refill drinks. In the past 4 months I have been a driver, a short order cook, a lunch lady, a personal shopper, a swim instructor, a child therapist, an adult therapist, a sleep trainer, a night nanny, a hair braider, a child washer, and basically a globe-trotting all-in-one multifunctional Mary Poppins. I have been so tired on weekends that I get home, mumble hello to Adam, fall into bed and then get out 36 hours later to go start all over again. I haven't had a second to think about my own laundry, let alone my photography business or friends.

And so now, where do I start? Yes I will still be doing some of those things mentioned above, but at a much lighter pace. My new hours will be from 1 or 2 until around 7 or 8, with a 12 hour day on Saturdays. 45 hours? I can do that in my sleep. And when I am not at work, when I actually get in my car at the end of the day and drive home, I now have the time and energy to put into what I actually want. I can't walka round blending in with my surroundings anymore, whisking one kid from here to there but feeling otherwise invisible. I get to be important again. Like really, really important. I get to actually go to dinner with my boyfriend and not worry about who might wake up at 4am with pee in their pants or who did or didn't flush the toilet. I feel like my job will actually turn into my job and my life will unfold. It's been so long since I haven't been in survival mode that I really have anxiety about where to start...

And it's with these thoughts and awarenesses that I bring with me as I begin to get ready for my second year at USM. What do I want for myself? Who am I, underneath the girl who works a lot and never has any time? What do I want my life to look like? What is it like to live and not just survive? I have SO much gratitude for the universe, both for providing me with what I have been asking for, and for helping me to have such amazing insights. I have endless love and thanks for all that I have right now and for how far I have come. I am healthy, happy, financially stable, young, energetic, and have the entire world in front of me. At the same time, my parallel lives are merging into one and with that comes some really big changes. The canvas is blank and I am the artist and yet I don't even know what my favorite color is because I have spent so much of my life taking care of other people that I haven't made that important. I am blessed and thankful and am excited/nervous to move into this new chapter and embrace all that I am and all that I have to offer to myself. The cavas will soon be filled and overflowing, a beautiful and bright map drawn right from the center of my heart, but right now I am just enjoying the solitude and stillness of the very beginning stages of really getting to know myself.

SO much love.