Self-Expression 32-Day Process: Days 28-31 - Hello, Love.

Today is Day 31 of my 32-Day Self-Expression Process.  The past four days have been the most amazing, loving, heartfelt, tender, intimate combination of experiences, connections, and conversations I have ever had. In this 32-day process I have been on a quest to express myself, both inwardly and outwardly.  But what happened in the process is I experienced love.  True, deep, unconditional, heart-expanding, belly-warming, fuzzy to my toes, Love.

People talk about love and sing about love and write about love and profess their love.  I never knew what that means until yesterday, when I had the opportunity to experience the most heart-opening conversation and connection with someone that I have ever had.  I learned that love is not what I thought.  Love is it's very own powerful force that resides inside me.  Love doesn't hold or need.  Love doesn't try or tighten or look for or answer.  Love doesn't mean wanting and needing or demanding.  Love doesn't have to do anything or ask of anything.  Love isn't an expectation of someone or a request.  Love isn't balloons or flowers or candy.  Love isn't expensive diamonds or fancy clothes.

Yesterday, I sat in my friend's living room.  In his presence, I fully experienced myself.  I felt my own love for myself in every inch of my body and soul.  It started in my heart and trickled through to everywhere else.  And then I turned my attention to him and looked deep into his eyes and felt my heart fill and my belly grow warm.  The room dropped away and we were there, as two souls, wanting nothing from one another.  Wanting nothing other than to experience and reside in the love.  In that moment as my heart widened and my love reached right through my soul and into his, Love became clear to me.

Love is holding a moment with someone.  Love is being.  Love is allowing and letting and accepting and feeling and expressing and asking for nothing in return.  Love doesn't need a definition or description or box.  Love is beyond any form of measure or reason or explanation.  Love pours from my soul and overflows my own cup.  Love runs through me like a river, with force and power yet without a destination.  Love is everywhere.  Love is in you and in me and in my beautiful friend sitting across from me and looking deep into my soul.  Love is expansive and beautiful and fulfilling.  Love is without boundary or worry or fear.  Love is the most beautiful experience I have ever had.

Tomorrow is my last day of this process and also the last day of 2012.  I embrace both the end and the beginning with wide arms, a wide heart, and a love force beyond anything I could have ever imagined. My heart sings with joy as my soul dances to this new rhythm of what I have created as my reality.

Love is my most authentic expression.

Self-Expression 32-Day Process: Days 15-27 - Happy Soul

Days 15-27.

It's been just under two weeks since my last updated blog - and today marks the 27th day of my 32-Day Self-Expression process.  My original intention in this process was to connect with myself on a deeper and more authentic level, acknowledging and expressing my TRUE feelings to myself.  As a result of that, my intention was to then express my feelings, thoughts, opinions to other people.  My intention was to allow myself the freedom to be myself.  And what I have learned in the last 27 days goes much deeper than that. What's happened in 27 days is my soul has peeked through the clouds of my Ego and shined so bright that the clouds burned away.  After 27 days I am visible, vulnerable, raw, open, authentic, beautiful, and feel like the free-spirited, excited, honest, loving, spunky, cute and creative soul that I am.  I haven't been tracking this progress daily because in all honesty, so much was happening every day that it was a challenge to remember to stop and write it all down.  So to sum it all up, I will do a 13 day catch up below and pull out the most amazing parts of the past two weeks.  Moving forward for the last few days of this process, my intention is to blog daily as a way to fully anchor in what's happening for me right now, because it's just too beautiful not to.

In the past 13 days I have...

Participated in 2 naked photo shoots, one being the most vulnerable experience of my life.  I took on a new client, dropped an old client, screamed into the ocean, ran 7 miles (for the first time), went skinny dipping in a pool with a cave, met a new friend, grew closer to another friend, connected with my sister in the most beautiful way, gave my inner child a voice (she LOVES the color pink and eating soup!), and I forgave myself through an hour of tears and chanting.  I chanted to Ganesha for 27 days, learned that I don't need to have sex in order to connect, accepted my authentic self as who I really am, challenged myself socially, challenged myself physically, stayed out until 3:30am with two of the most fun people I have ever met, introduced my friend to yoga, experienced the most magical Kirtan of my life, danced, clapped, sang when no one was watching and when everyone was watching.  I showed naked photos of myself at a party, had too many glasses of wine, went for a trail run (one of my firsts!), went on a hike, fell down and got muddy, and got up again.  I looked at myself in the mirror and felt the swell of my heart as I realized how much I love myself.  I prayed, slept, cooked until my hands were tired, listened, spoke, loved, and connected so deeply with someone that I never knew that sort of connection existed.  I laughed until my sides hurt, cried until my head hurt, and loved myself through both.  I said yes, said no, and learned that all of these things I have been doing I wouldn't trade for anything in the world.  Because after so long, I am finally LIVING.  I'm not just going through the motions of life - but actually taking a moment to experience and BREATHE IN every moment no matter how uncomfortable or exciting or exhausting it may be.

It's been an amazing two weeks and an even more amazing process to do with myself, especially during the last month of 2012.  I am growing, learning, and deepening my love for myself every day and my intention is to keep on going and loving and learning even after the process.  I feel like I gave myself a jumpstart and now after years and years, I am so ready to go.

Lots of love to anyone reading this and who has been supporting and encouraging me.  It's been the best few weeks of my life.

Self-Expression 32-Day Process: Day 14 - I'm Too Sexy for My Ego

Day 14.  I made it two weeks.  And each day has been completely different from the last and the next.  My ego is falling away more and more every day as I step into my authenticity.  It isn't that I despise my ego or think that my ego is the enemy - and in fact it's quite the opposite.  By embracing my ego and loving it for all the ways it has served me in the past, I'm allowing it to have less of a "hold" on me.  I'm just not listening to the bullshit anymore - or the stories or the limiting beliefs.  Instead I'm co-creating my own new reality and making the decision, every single day, to live it.  No, this isn't always easy and a lot of these past 14 days have been spent with me feeling pissed, angry, sad, lonely, disappointed, discouraged, challenged, and vulnerable to points that I didn't think I was capable of surviving.  But I'm doing it.  Every single day I am choosing, again, to do it.

Tonight, I saw my sexy side.  I got in front of a camera, naked - and for three hours allowed myself to be photographed.  With my naked body fully visibile - and not to mention my hard nipples.  And I just owned it.  I owned every part of my naked body - even the areas that until tonight, were even hard for me to look at.  I saw myself as a sexual, excited woman - and not as a scared, shy little girl.  And I realized in all of that - that I am way too sexy to keep letting my ego run the show.  I am too sexy for my ego.

I will post a full description of the nude shoot tomorrow - and add one of the less naughty photos.

Tomorrow is another day - and the process continues.

Self-Expression 32-Day Process: Day 13 - My Heart is Enough

13 days in and my life is changing, officially.  It isn't that my external reality is shifting much in the sense that my life doesn't really look any different physically - but the way it feels and the way I am experiencing things is quickly changing.

As this process continues and as I parallel it with my mantra experiment, things are literally just stripping down one layer at a time.  Things in my life that I told myself I would just "tend to later" are coming up to the line with full force, almost begging to be handled.  And handled right NOW.  Even the little secrets that I have kept inside and knew were safe are finding their way forward and exposing the bigger picture to me.  It feels like a popcorn popper.  For a while the kernels are just kernels and then slowly and one at a time, the kernels pop and out comes a piece of popcorn.  But then it becomes quicker and quicker and then all of a sudden there are lots and lots of pieces of popcorn coming forward until ALL of the kernels are popped.  That's what these bubbling awarenesses feel like.  It's like I started the process of making popcorn and even if I think I've popped enough - the process is going to come to completion whether I want it to or not.  Even (seemingly) little things like a crush, are becoming things that need to be worked out.  Because really, every little thing coming forward is representing something much, much larger.

I guess what was the most inspiring truth to come forward for me today is that my heart is enough.  Instead of backing away from my heart and putting my hands up to protect myself, I am embracing it.  Instead of turning and running from what my heart is showing and telling me, I am reaching out and wrapping my arms around it and allowing it to be one with me.  It's like my soul and my heart are coming to some form of agreement - and my mind is beginning to understand.  My heart is enough.  I don't need to change anything or be someone else or be prettier or skinnier or sexier or younger or more spiritual or fancier or even have a different haircut.  What REALLY matters is the beauty of what's INSIDE my heart.  My loving, giving, nurturing, beautiful, kind, free-spirited and HAPPY soul.  My heart that wants to love and give and receive and be of service.  My heart who wants to share gratitude and love and kind words without feeling ashamed of exposing my true feelings.  My heart is enough, just as it is.  I am enough.  I am enough, just as I am.

Self-Expression 32-Day Process: Days 9-12 - Asking for What I Need

Well, it has been a few days since I have blogged, yet my 32-day process is still moving along quite nicely.  I'm not sure if it's this particular process that has been so intense for me, or this combined with it being the last month of the year, mixed in with my 31-day Ganesha mantra experiment.  But in the past 10 days it seems like my life has shifted and moved and shifted again on so many different levels.  These past four days in particular have felt like a non-stop growing event!  I can feel something shifting deep inside as I work through one thing and another - and as I allow more and more memories to surface and feelings to come up and out.  It's like I got tired of saying what I wanted or what I was someday going to do, and started just LIVING it.  Overnight.

I realized at lunch yesterday with a friend, that I created a life over the past four months that FULLY supports my learning process.  From my business to my friends, to the things I am doing, people I am relating to, people I am attracting, etc.  I have created such a safe little bubble for myself in which I feel eager and willing to grow and learn - and safe in fully expressing who I am and letting my authenticity OUT.  This process is all about self-expression and I think I am not beginning to understand what that really means to me.  It means allowing MYSELF to be MYSELF in front of other people, and on my own.  It means saying what I think and holding true to my own beliefs and opinions.  It means doing a naked photo shoot if I want to and not feeling ashamed or guilty.  It's about having a glass of wine (or 3) if I want to and allowing it to be okay!  It means flirting with a hot man or sharing my feelings with a close friend or requesting something from someone close to me.  It means not answering the phone if I don't feel like talking and watching a movie or taking a nap at 2 in the afternoon if that's what's going to serve me best.  It means talking openly about my sexual needs, emotional needs, and spirituality - and being OK with MYSELF.  It means dropping the bullshit and the limiting beliefs and FULLY living the way I want to live.  Because I am me, and that isn't going to change and pretending to be someone else didn't work - and it was a disservice to my soul.  Expressing myself means opening the curtain and allowing my soul to see, feel, and experience all that beautiful light.

And in all this, I can ask for what I need.  Yesterday I needed to talk to a friend of mine so I made a request and we talked.  Just like that.  I shared what was on my mind, and I shared my feelings and you know what?  He listened, he responded, and he supported the fact that I was sharing what was true for me.  I showed up for myself and in return, he showed up for me as well.  And I felt loved and heard and valued - and I felt like an equal.  In all of this I am learning how to be ME.  And how I can love myself and put it all together as I awaken to and step into this next amazing phase of my life with COMPASSION for who I am and why I am here.

Self-Expression 32-Day Process: Day 8 - VULNERABILITY

Today is Day 8 of my 32-Day process.  And I felt like posting something daring tonight.  Because courage IS a part of my self-expression and so is vulnerability.  And you know what?  I am pretty proud of myself as well because I have been working my butt off!

For the past three and a half months, I have been working with a personal trainer and exercising for the first time in my life.  My goal was/is to get into the best shape of my life before I am 30 - or at least start the process.  So as an expression of my VULNERABILITY, here are the pics.  The top one I took in August and is the "before" photo.  The botom photo was taken last week and is the "3 month" photo.  I am committing to at least a 6-month training program - so I suppose this would be the halfway photo.

I'm forgiving myself for judging myself as shameful for posting these!  The truth IS... I am proud of myself!

Self-Expression 32-Day Process: Day 7 - Cleaning Up

Today is Day 7.  For 7 days I have kept my commitment with expressing myself.  Sometimes it has been to others, but mostly it has been expressing myself, to myself.  Tonight was a night where I decided to focus my attention inward, and take a look at what I have been avoiding.  Tonight this manifested in the physical form.

I realized after I ate dinner tonight that I never liked how my living room was arranged, so I decided to change everything.  What had been "stopping" me before was the TV and all the wires and cables.  I told myself I didn't know how to do it - as that was something my ex handled.  But I was determined to do it and to do it myself and so I began moving furniture and unplugging wires and cleaning things out and burning sage and incense and lighting candles and going through drawers and cleansing and purging and so on.  And as it turns out, I was MORE than capable of unplugging all the wires, moving the TV, and then plugging all the wires back in, in the correct places.  I even moved the furniture by myself - maybe not at the fastest pace, but I still did it.

And then I moved on to my bedroom and closet and hall closet and backyard - cleansing and releasing and throwing things out and cleaning.  It came to my realization that I had been avoiding doing all of this sorting and cleaning.  Parts of me really didn't want to let go of my old relationship or old patterns or old beliefs.  I wanted to hold on so I had a "reason" to be "overwhelmed" with all the things that I constantly reminded myself that I wanted to do, but just never actually did them.  So tonight, I did them.

Since I was 18, I have carried a small (18 inches by 18 inches) plastic box with me every single time I have moved.  In fact, this box is the only thing that I have consistently brought with me to every single apartment, city, etc.  And in this box I have kept photos, cards, letters, etc.  And I never really considered why I was holding onto these things and every time I took a moment to open the box and go through everything, I felt sad.  Tonight I decided to go through the box and the same wave of sadness came over me - so I stopped, paused, took a deep breath - and realized that instead of holding onto these things because they were adding to my happiness, I was holding onto them because they added to my sadness.  Let me tell you, it felt so GOOD to go through that box and throw out everything that didn't put a smile on my face.  Yes, everything.

What I am learning in this process is that self-expression is something that I have been hiding for a very long time.  From myself and from others.  And in this process of self-expression, it's like I have to go back a little and take the time to devote attention (i.e. cleaning out that box) to the things and areas in my life that I have ignored.  I need to "clean up" in a sense.  It's like I needed to clear certain areas of my life that I had been avoiding in order to really allow myself the space to fully move forward, move into, awaken to all of these new found parts of myself.  And after 7 days of "cleaning out and cleaning up" - I feel ready to keep on going and see what else this process has to offer.  So far, it has been nothing shy of completely amazing.