Today was Day 3 of my 32-Day Self-Expression Process. And today I feel like I went face to face with some of the deepest frustration I have felt. Ever. I had opportunity after opportunity to say what I was FEELING. To actually put words and a voice behind my feelings and allow myself to experience full expression. And instead of utilizing the opportunities, I allowed myself to keep my voice hidden - and continued to allow myself to be a "victim" to my own self-destructive and limiting choices.
So I did what anyone else would do. I got in my car, made sure no one was around, and screamed as loud as I could. Not once. Three times. I heard my voice loud and clear, and likely my neighbors did as well. But it helped because even if was just for 5 or 10 seconds, my voice was able to just do what it wants to do, which is be HEARD. What I want, above and beyond anything else right now is to just be willing and able to say what it is that is on my mind. It sounds so simple and yet, for me, it isn't. For me, it's the most terrifying and risky thing I can think of doing. In fact, I once said that I would rather jump out of an airplane than say what I was really feeling. And you know what? I actually did it.
So in lieu of transition and change and this being the last month of the year - and in lieu of the mantra experiment I started today, I am setting my intention right now about what I am releasing, and what I am intending to step into. I thought that it might be too vulnerable to actually write this stuff on a BLOG - but then I decided that if I am not going to speak my truth today, I may as well write it, share it, and allow anyone to see it.
I always wanted to be that girl who could just say anything, with grace, ease, confidence, and humbleness. I always wanted to feel worthy of the things I was feeling and to share them because I truly believed I was important enough to. I wanted to share who I was with the world instead of keeping myself all locked up inside and fearful and hidden. I wanted to be accepted and loved but more than that I wanted to love and accept myself enough that it didn't matter what I did or didn't do - because I would deeply feel that I was worthy one way or the other. I always wanted to be that girl who could stand in front of a man and say "I like you" or "I have feelings for you" or "I'm attracted to you" and be brave enough to withstand what he might say in return. But I never did. I wanted to feel adequate, equal, and just as beautiful and sexy as any other woman - but for so many years, I just didn't. And then I thought that if I did enough work on my body, got skinny enough or cute enough or something enough, that I would suddenly feel worthy and everything would fall into place. But it really just didn't seem to work out that way.
My intention is to share what I feel, no matter how much my voice shakes or how hard and fast my heart beats or how scared I am of what someone may say in return. No matter how much I want to avoid sharing my feelings and truth with those in my life, my intention is to do it anyway - and to do it with confidence as much as I can. My intention is to release any limiting beliefs about myself and why I am not "worthy" of sharing how I feel. My intention is to share a part of myself every single day - until it becomes comfortable. So maybe the "obstacle" that Ganesha can help me remove is the (mis)belief I have that I am not worthy of experiencing, feeling, or authentically sharing my feelings, thoughts, and truly deep parts of myself. Because really, the only obstacle in my way right now is my Ego.
And so for the next 30-something days I am going to chant my little heart out as I bravely take a new forward step each day as I release what's no longer serving a greater purpose in my life and awaken more fully to what has been here waiting for me all along. Because I am worthy of that. Even if I have to say it 65 million times a day until I feel it or believe it - I am worthy. I really am. And it's ok for me to say that here, on a blog, where someone may actually read it.
The pic I posted above is one that I took on midnight of my 28th birthday. It was one of the most challenging times in my life. I felt lost, alone, scared - and had just moved back to Los Angeles after moving to New York. I felt like I had nothing left of myself to give and didn't know which way to go. And as I look at that picture now, 18 months later, all I can see is beauty and all I can feel is compassion. And for me, that is a big first step towards my new motto, which is - loving myself anyway. Because despite whatever was going on for me at that time in my life, I am able to see past all of it and look into my beautiful blue eyes and feel the deepest level of love. So I know it's all there inside me just waiting to come out. And even though it isn't happening today, it doesn't mean that it won't ever happen and in the meantime, I can love myself anyway.
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