Today is Day 5 of my 32-Day process. I don't have the energy to be so eloquent or creative so I am just going to say it as it is. Today was one of those days where I threw my hands in the air at 5pm, sat down on my kitchen floor and cried, not even bothering to get up and get a tissue. Everything that isn't working in my life or needs attention or needs communication all came barreling together at once and my limits were reached. I felt like I was being swallowed whole by my own manifestation of healing opportunities. So, because I don't believe in making myself a victim to outer things, circumstances, or people, I instead made myself the "victim" to my own choices - and I just let myself be in that and cry and fall apart and then look around to realize that I wasn't falling apart at all. In fact, what's happening is just the opposite. It appears that in all of this, I am actually growing.
And then, as it usually does, the bare bones truth hit me. For the past 29 years, I have done things to make other people happy. I have held off on sharing things, held off on being honest, held off on changing things or being too loud or too creative or too thin or too cute or too happy or too sad - all because of OTHER PEOPLE. What will they think, do, say, say about me to other people? What if they see I am not perfect? What if someone knew that at 5pm on a Monday I was a crying, hot mess on the kitchen floor with snot on my shirt and tears on my face, holding a red spatula? What if my secret wasn't safe anymore and others knew that I am human? Better yet, what if I admitted to myself that I'm not perfect? What if I allowed myself to see who I really am, deep inside behind all the fear and under all the feelings of unworthiness? What if I actually saw myself as my soul is? Then what?
I'm done existing for the sake of other people. Yes, I love people, especially those few who are close to my heart. I love to see other people smile and laugh and feel good and be happy. But I also need to remember that this experience I am having in THIS life IS mine. That's a fact. I won't ever get this opportunity again. I will never be able to look back in time and say: "Oh, I will just go back and re-do that moment at 4:49pm on Monday, December 3, 2012." That isn't going to happen. So I might as well get real with MYSELF and start existing in what is TRUE and REAL for ME. I am worthy of that and truthfully, pretending to be anything other than myself is getting downright exhausting. I am willing to surrender to this moment or the next one or the one after that and surrender to whatever wave is going to flow through me because whether I want it to or not, it's happening - or going to happen. How I show up is all that I am really "in control" of here. And I am ready to throw my hands in the air and allow it all to just be what it is. I have officially hit a wall in all of the areas of my life that aren't working anymore. Anything that hasn't felt in alignment or wasn't ever in alignment or isn't ever going to be in alignment are all falling away. Yes, parts of that feel sad for me - and parts of it feel liberating. Maybe there are relationships that just aren't going to serve me - and maybe there is a deepening of relationships that are coming as a surprise. But nonetheless, even through all of that, my relationship with myself is first. What do I like? What do I want? How do I feel? Maybe it's selfish or self-involved or narcissistic or whatever you want to call it, but I'm okay with that. I'm okay with looking back on my life and seeing that I honored myself and my feelings, no matter what someone else said or thought, or how they reacted. I can go through this life with a filter over my eyes, heart and soul - or I can drop the veil and get used to the fact that life is going by every single moment and what I make of it is what defines my experience. There are no mistakes or victims or do-overs. There is no such thing as lost time. There's just an opportunity to either make one choice or to make another. Life keeps on going regardless.
As Oscar Wilde Says: "Be yourself. Everyone else is already taken."
So there it is. Day 5. 27 to go. Let's do this.
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