Home.

For four months, my plans have changed every 10 days. For four months, I have longed for the past, dreamed about the future, yet neglected to sit in the moment, and face the present. I have spent nights praying that (though obviously impossible) when I woke up I would be back in Los Angeles, in my bed, at "home." I have spent even more days daydreaming about what the universe has in store for me, when I am out of this "misery," and where I will be a year from now. I made it a point to do all I could to "get through the day" and make it to the next, so that time would pass. I fixated on the date that I would be going "home" and focussed my entire existence around it. I found myself discounting my time here, acting as if my life were on hold, and waiting for something, anything that would take me to my destination faster. I was yearning, desiring to feel something that held me in the moment... something that would induce a feeling of hope that the present is just as worthy of my time as the past or future, if not more so. Then, last week, something happened.

Last week, I experienced an awareness that has turned on a switch inside me and has led me to question every "plan" I have made in the past four months. My awareness was that "home" is not about a destination. One of my biggest fears about moving to the east coast was that I would lose myself... lose my ability to eat healthy, live healthy, be active, have a social life, go to acupuncture, etc. I feared that I would "lose" all of the tools that I had learned and become who I used to be... someone less evolved and less intuitive... someone scared, unhealthy, and unable to love myself. And until about 2 weeks ago, I would say that I had actually bought into the belief that I had indeed become that person, again. And so last week, among my moping around and yearning for the "better times ahead," I realized that while I had been so busy worrying about losing parts of myself, I had failed to see what I had gained. And in one moment, in just one split second, I saw a new perspective. It was like a movie montage of bits and pieces of the last few months. And I blogged about it because I saw such beauty in what I had overcome that I wanted to share it. And I thought my awareness couldn't go any deeper than that... and it did. And again, I share because it is so beautiful and eye opening.

Everyone says "home is where the heart is" or even song lyrics that say "home is wherever I'm with you." But there is something about actually FEELING it... actually having that moment where it all makes sense, is truly priceless. I have realized that "home" is inside ME. I have learned that whatever lifestyle I live, whatever intentions I have for myself, can happen ANYWHERE. I don't need Los Angeles to feel spiritually connected or loved, happy or motivated, healthy or grateful. For the first time since I stepped off the plane four months ago, I am aware that there is a much bigger picture here, and a much bigger awareness and opportunity that I am just now becoming tuned into. I had been so concerned about losing myself, that I haven't taken much time to see just how far I have come and all of the amazing LOVE and PERSPECTIVE that I have gained. I am seeing the beauty in ME, in my choices, my goals, hobbies, talents, and even my body. For the first time that I can remember, I can look in the mirror and say: "Wow, I really love YOU" and mean it. All of the things that I want in my life - from being financially secure, successful, moving forward as a writer and photographer, experiencing spiritual connectedness, finishing my degree, experiencing a beautiful relationship with myself, and eventually experiencing a beautiful relationship with a man - are all being created in THIS moment. I don't need the past or the future right now. Right now, now is enough. I am enough. Being is enough. Enjoying is enough. Trusting is enough.

So, instead of viewing my time on the east coast as something to "get through," I am starting to enjoy it. Last week I took a photo of myself and when I looked at it, I was shocked at how beautiful I looked. I actually couldn't believe it. I looked at the picture for a long time and slowly I did start to believe it. I thought to myself... that is ME. I am HER. And I felt so much love for myself in that one moment that everything just stopped. I felt proud and happy, sexy and motivated. In that moment I felt myself both giving and receiving love - similar to the way I felt when i first "fell" in love with someone. And since then I have been able to see the beauty in little things - snow on the trees, the birds singing in the morning despite the cold weather, the icicles hanging off the houses... I am no longer rushing through the days just to get to a specific date on the calendar that will magically make me happy. I am surrendering to the moment and acknowledging it's importance and beauty. I no longer want to run... I am simply enjoying taking my time, looking around, and knowing that eventually my immersion in the moment will lead to whatever comes next. I am no longer scared or hiding. I am confident that who I am, my being, has little to do with where I am. For me, it is all about perspective.

And so, this once again (and right on target!) changes my plans. I will still be flying to LA at the end of the month for a visit, but I will be returning to the east coast. I have decided to keep going... to see what this path looks like before running "back" to something comforting and familiar. Because in all honesty, it's just starting to get good. Despite all the snow, the storm is over. And part of me wants to see what Spring looks like... or at least give myself a chance to fully own this feeling of love, courage, confidence, and the awareness that home is in my heart. Home is me, and I can take that seed and plant it anywhere. So for now, maybe a few weeks or a few months... I am trusting in myself, trusting in the universe, and allowing myself to just let my path unfold. No time frames, no one-way tickets... I realize that life is about the bigger picture - and for me, the moment is what is going to take me wherever it is I need to go.

And as it goes... my new affirmation: I am authentically trusting and loving myself , happily and healthily experiencing and exploring my journey in the moment.